Valentine's Day Condolence

This opinion piece appeared in the Townsman, February 12 edition

Let us dedicate ourselves to the proposition that those who profess love for the first time, or tangle in new ways with that frightful emotion, are soon to face the worst, most awkward and potentially embarrassing day of his/her life this coming Saturday, February 14, aka Valentine’s Day.

I have many reasons to be grateful for entering the 28th year of marriage to my sweetie, and perhaps one of them is not living in dread of the rapid approach of Valentine’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I know that a sober, thoughtful gesture will be required of me, be it nice chocolates, a sincere sentiment written into a carefully chosen card, or some fresh expression of how lucky and fulfilled I feel to have had this wonderful woman endure me all these years. I am long past the old mistakes of buying her a leaf blower or new potholders for Valentine’s Day. As much as I will try my best to please her with a heartfelt token of my love, I have the comfort of knowing that if I louse it up it won’t mean I’m packing my bags on the 15th. At least I don’t think it will.

But for those new in the adventure of romantic love V Day nears with great peril. Feelings can be so wrought and convoluted that it’s rather odd that humans should consider themselves ‘rational’ beings.

If we were rational beings we could expect an exchange something like the following:

First Person: “I think you are wonderful and beautiful and I feel very attracted to you.”
Second Person: “You do? Gosh, I don’t feel that same way toward you.”
First Person: “Oh, you don’t? I guess I’ll find someone else to feel very attracted to.”
Second Person: “That’s a good idea. I hear there are billions of people on the planet, and I bet one of them will be perfect for you. Good luck.”
First Person: “Thanks for listening. Have a nice day.”

Instead we hear exchanges like:

First Person: “Um, er, like wow.”
Second Person: “You think?”
First person: “Sort of, yeah.”
Second Person: “I don’t think so.”
First Person: “I’m going to kill myself.”

Honestly and truly, which would you prefer?
1) Telling someone for the first time how deeply and passionately you feel for him/her without first having any idea how he/she will respond, or
2) An arranged marriage.

Now pity those countless, unmatched hearts out there grappling with these kinds of feelings, and expected to somehow crystallize them simply because the calendar insists that they should. Marcel Proust saw right into this quandary when he observed, “There is nothing like desire for preventing the things one says from bearing any resemblance to what one has in one’s mind.” Ain’t it so?

Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking this is an affliction visited solely on the young. True, Romeo and Juliet fell in love when they were kids and killed themselves. But Anthony and Cleopatra fell in love when they were middle-aged adults and they killed themselves. There’s no proof, but I bet they all did it either just before or just after Valentine’s Day. Their experiences give credence to that dependable American lexicographer, Ambrose Bierce, who defined ‘Love’ as, “A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease… in prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages.”

Some people attribute the rise and prevalence of Valentine’s Day to greeting card companies. I doubt it because I can’t believe such a large number of remorseless sadists could possibly exist in our society and not be jailed.

No, I think it more than mere coincidence that the rise of Valentine’s Day in our society followed roughly the demise of public executions. Since no longer being privy to watching people face death at the end of a noose, we have instituted the yearly rite of watching people face their doom at the end of their awful, flailing and suspenseful professing of love.

I hate shilling for the greeting card companies, but if you know anybody out there who has recently fallen in love, take pity and send a sympathy card. If you happen to be one of the unfortunate souls trying to figure out what to get/give/offer your new sweetheart this Saturday, I leave you with words, again belonging to Proust: “…Delicious vagueness rich in expected surprises, which is romance.”

Good luck, and remember; there are billions of people on this planet.

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day, my dear, sweet wife.

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Hallmark Moment: Despite the sharp differences of opinion, the 130 or so residents gathered at the Community Center for the public hearing regarding the proposed RUPCO affordable housing project were so respectful to one another that several people in the hall found themselves applauding statements made by both sides. There was one senior fellow at the back of the room doing such, and while applauding a comment by someone approving the project he was approached by a worried Woodstock councilman, Chris Collins, and reminded, “You’re not supposed to clap for people who support the project.” Ah, the clarity!