Groundhog Day 2/5 edition

This opinion piece appeared in the Townsman, February 5 edition

I'm sure, like me, you're sore as hell at Punxsutawney Phil, the "seer of seers and prognosticator of prognosticators," the groundhog resident of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. It appears that this fat cousin of the rat saw his shadow on February 2nd, and has doomed us to six more weeks of this wretched winter. Every snow plower in the county must be ecstatic. I haven't checked, but I bet the stock price of home fuel companies have hit the ceiling. Lucky Belleayre; unlucky us.

How did this rodent attain such power over the elements? Explanations vary, but research does indicate collusion involving the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce. Back in the 1880s one of its members, a Miss Witherspoon, purveyor of lady's sundries, looked out upon the dismal, empty Punxsutawney main street and wondered if the town council couldn't do more to attract business to the area. This was just after the Panic of '87 and just before the Blizzard of '88, an interregnum of potent significance, as you shall see. Punxsutawney Mayor Boing had just issued the sad report that the Town's moneys invested with a Rupert Runoff had been siphoned off into the dark cloud of the Panic of '87, never to be felt again. All the town had left was a mangy, old groundhog named Phil living under the library, and a recipe for groundhog stew. Miss Witherspoon — who at sixty years old maintained a dignity and demeanor implying all the truth of her honorific — had made a career of turning sows' ears into silk purses, and she suggested that Punxsutawney re-invent itself as the Colony of the Weather Prognosticator, and employ the mangy, hibernating rodent for good purpose. It so happened her suggestion also solved the scruple people have with eating animals they have named. Humans have eaten many a cow, but not one 'Elsie,' and of all the world's stewed groundhogs not one has been a 'Phil.'
And thus Groundhog Day was invented.

There was, of course, much skepticism at first. Up to that point in the entire history of Man the rodent had been perceived as inconspicuous of merit, if not in fact a complete bane on the human enterprise. But as profoundly Noah's ark building would find sad justification in the eyes of his dubious neighbors, thus would Miss Witherspoon's vision raise joyous admiration from her doubting fellow Chamber members, when Punxsutawney Phil on February 2, 1888 saw his shadow, and on the following March 12 the American east coast felt the Blizzard of '88.

It marked the end of Science in America, and the miracles of air-travel, cell phones and high definition television came quick on its heels. We hear of such things as 'El Nino' and the 'jet stream' to explain weather phenomena, but even the most cursory inspection of the town of Punxsutawney website informs us of what utter nonsense they are.

So yes, Punxsutawney Phil is responsible for the extension of this dreadful winter, and I am expecting the town board to do something about it.

* * *

Some stories are just too weird. Take this one for instance; viewers in Tucson, Arizona were interrupted while watching the Super Bowl this last Sunday by a twelve second broadcast of pornographic material that apparently had "bled in" from a cable signal meant for an "adult content" channel (is it just me or is there something oxymoronic about "adult content" when considering the puerile subject matter). According to the report, "The interruption came just after the Arizona Cardinals' Larry Fitzgerald scored on a long touchdown reception during the final minutes of the game." Nice score, Larry. But seriously, this is the first instance of a Super Bowl—porn connection since the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders last appeared in the championship game.

Two cable companies, Comcast and Cox, apparently serve Tucson. Guess which one broadcast the inappropriate material?

WRONG! It was Comcast.

"Comcast spokeswoman Tracy Bumgarter confirmed that the company's standard feed was interrupted during the Super Bowl, although she said its high definition feed was not." That’s a quote from — I swear -— Fox News.

The report goes on to say, "Joel Hilander of Tucson told The Associated Press that he and his young children saw the clip. 'I couldn't believe it. And I couldn't believe that my children were watching it either,' Hilander said."

Could have been worse, kiddies, you could have watched it in high definition.
Naturally, Cox Cable had to get in on the act.

"We have received no evidence that any inappropriate material was broadcast on any of our channels during the Super Bowl," said Cox spokesman. "The alleged incident appears to be isolated to the Comcast territory. We will offer our support to all appropriate organizations to help them determine what happened."

Just me, or do you also hear the sound of chirping?

In any case, I forecast a lawsuit against Comcast. Nowadays people sue at the drop of a g string.