Monday, February 28, 2011

Bieber Bomb

Bieber Bomb

Now that Justin Bieber has come out against killing babies it’s time to sit up and pay attention; this is probably as close as we’ll ever get to an actual fetus making a pronouncement on the issue of abortion. (That whooshing sound? Sarah Palin swooping from the trees to cuddle up with the moppish lad. ALERT SARAH: Yes, we elected an Indonesian Muslim president, but sixteen-year old Canadians still can’t serve as vice president.)

Bieber’s foray into the Abortion Wars is a game-changer, as anyone knows who remembers the Cold War and Annette Funicello coming out from under her Mickey Mouse ears in 1959 to declaim against Communism (“It sounds kinda bad… I’m with the President on this one.”), thus cementing what would be thirty years of concerted United States policy, resulting finally with the Mickey Mouse trademark waving o’er the ramparts of the destroyed Berlin Wall.

Billy Mummy’s 1966 pronouncement, “I think it would be sort of cool,” stopped all the dithering and galvanized the Congress into digging deeply into our pockets to fund sending Americans to the moon. (Where are the ‘Lost In Space’ re-runs, by the way?)

Jackson Five (with cute little Michael) and, presto, Martin Luther King Day!

The list of paradigm-altering pubescent pronouncements goes on, and their effects on American policy are well documented (The Opie Dicta, The Beaver Bromide, etc.). Therefore, Bieber’s ABORTION IS BAD had better be studied for its implications. Example: Malthusians will fear His Bieberness’s defense of the fetus will increase exponentially the number of new Americans to be born in the coming days of repealed Obama-care. Other policy makers, however, will point out the likelihood of vast numbers of OB-GYN nurses, stripped of their rights to collectively bargain, to collectively botch enough deliveries to maintain a stable population. And if de-unionized nurses working in geriatrics cooperate and switch around a few meds, hey, all this could work out for the better. Go Justin! (And thank you, Wisconsin.)

One little adjustment to the Bieber oeuvre should be considered; lad, that melodic syrup warbling under your golden tresses gets girls thinking thoughts they really shouldn’t if we want to prevent that distressing question from being asked all too often, Should I tell my parents, or should I tell Dr. Murder I’m pregnant? Although it hardly seems possible, your ejaculate and the ejaculate of boys even younger and sweeter looking than you get girls pregnant; knock it off with the cool moves! Didn’t you start out with Christian music? Why not stick to sobering ditties about Hell and Dr. Murder’s legs sticking out of Satan’s maw? Help us bring the temperature down and keep the panties up.

After that, maybe help us out with the fracking issue.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Lara Logan

What happened to Lara Logan is not funny, and whoever makes a punch line out of it deserves nothing but contempt. That said, comments and punch lines twittering about our modern wireless civilization, when boiled down, pose a question coeval with the mastodons, What Did She Expect?

Probably as you read this, someone is twittering (accurately, sad to say), “If it were Candy Crowley, and not Lara Logan no one would care.”

Indeed, if it were Candy Crowley the punch lines would only be more grotesque, and the level of concern and sympathy correspondingly less.

To draw even more distinctions from Twitter world, when Ms Crowley’s colleague, Anderson Cooper, was roughed up in Cairo, the Twittered sentiment ran more toward what a ‘man’s man’ he is, rather than expressions of sympathy. Were there any memorable punch lines?

One is afraid to acknowledge Ms Logan’s good looks, as if to do so would make it appear he or she (particularly he) can accept them as a reasonable explanation for the reactions to what happened to her, not to mention what happened to her. Here in the 21st century there is still something unhappy and imprisoning about beauty in a woman, and the fact of Ms Logan’s attractiveness cannot be ignored. Nor is it, neither by men or women; sadly, perhaps it is natural that it is only snidely acknowledged.

An attractive man exists with the world’s obeisance to his self-possession. He may have worries, but a sudden, violent sexual assault is nowhere near the top of his list. In the absence of debilitating neurosis or vices, he advances, collects and conquers in a manner that seems to represent the natural order of things.

What beautiful, successful woman has not “schemed” her way to the top, or not used her “wiles,” or not “exploited” men’s weaknesses to achieve her glory?

And this is not only a man’s invention; indeed, some of the most shocking responses to Ms Logan’s assault come from women! That these women, many of them accomplished, accept the stereotype is the only explanation for this.

Meanwhile, responsible male Twitterers repress their confusion of assault with seduction to achieve the distance necessary to express their true sympathy for Ms Logan. It’s not that every man’s secret wish is that he was there, but the word sexual, even bracketed by ‘violent’ and ‘assault,‘ in a context involving a woman he knows to be attractive is like the brightest star, something that automatically pries open his imagination. It explains why men generally have the longest faces when expressing their sympathy and revulsion to the assault on Ms Logan.

Many modern Tweets and blogs concerning this crime in ancient Cairo precincts have managed to revive a stereotype as old as earliest human society: The strong man simply clubs his way to the beautiful woman, the remaining women are satisfied to see a rival carried off.