Globish and the Towering Inferno

This opinion piece appeared in the Townsman, January 29 edition

I recently came across an alarming report from the BBC.

It discusses the chagrin of some cultures around the world, particularly the French, to see their languages relegated to second (or worse) class by English.

It seems the promiscuity of English and its quick embrace of any new word from any source, foreign or domestic, and its willingness to stretch its dictionary to accommodate the new inhabitant has made it the global language. Look how quickly English has waged jihad, googled you, emailed a friend, went viral, emoticoned, watched a krunk DVD, spammed a frenemy, well, you get it. A guy in Hooters drunk on seven appletinis is less likely than is English to be caught en flagrante with some new sweetie, er um, predicate or noun.

In the words of linguist James D Nicoll, "We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."

Not all English's conquests, of course, are foreign; English will take any frumpy, old word and tummy-tuck and botox it until it emerges with a smashing new meaning. Witness 'text.' Some of us have texted or are texting so much that the world is suddenly populated with six billions cell phones. Whew! What text lives some of us have.

Apparently French, Spanish and Samoan are bashful, and therefore are just "walling it" while English waltzes around the world with a full dance card.

Any language so easily infatuated and used can expect to be quickly dissipated, and English is no exception. Great Britain and North America (excepting Quebec and Wall Street brokerages) might do their best to understand English, respect its nuances, cater to its tastes, yes, take it home to meet mother and love it tomorrow, but to the rest of the world English is just a tosspot picked up for a quick jolly and then pushed out the door before the light of glosnost.

And so English, full of macho and prancing with joie de vivre, lustily and blindly slouches toward… Globish!

Globish is the spare undergarment of English words and grammar that the world keeps after shucking the rest of English's suits, spats, gaiters and top hats, which are seen as too complicated to wear.

According to the BBC report, "Globish has only 1,500 words and users must avoid humor, metaphor, abbreviation and anything else that can cause cross-cultural confusion. [Globish speakers] must speak slowly and in short sentences… the late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat [is] an excellent exponent [of Globish]."

So that's what he spoke! It gives you a perfect idea of where English has toddled off to, doesn't it. The language of the High Tea is now the diction used for global fatwahs, apparatchaks and bureaucratic diktats from Brussels.

Needless to say, Americans must fight Globish or we will lose our Mom and Apple Pie to hausfrau and sauerkraut. The best way to defeat Globish is to surfeit it with news words until it's just as fat as English and falls through the ice in some fjord and is never seen again. The Townsman reader is invited to join the effort I now begin with the following entries:

Collinize, vb. To populate an area of concern with the sterile aim to please everybody: "Collinizing the comprehensive plan ensured its extinction."

Morandize, v. To sup at a very mean table: "With so little wit, grace, intelligence or meaning for his company, he morandized and dreamed of better company."

RUPCO, v. To resurrect the belief in witches and warlocks: "Enough letters to the editor will certainly rupco the community."

Rosenblum, n. The futility of a minority: "Such was her status that even her motion to adjourn resulted in a rosenblum."

Simonsoninity, n. The blanket of platitudes used to cover but not warm the cold reality of a complete reversal of one's former position: "With perfect simonsoninity she led the led the charge to make sure Overlook would always have a 300 foot tower."

Wenken, v. To enfeeble, debilitate, undermine, sap, cripple, disable a moral principle with one's own moral turpitude: "The councilman's call for rectitude was wenkened by the financial shenanigans involved with his political campaign."

Wetlandish, adj. Of doubtful merit since there is a wetland within one hundred miles: "Building the doghouse in the back yard was considered a wetlandish proposal."

Zonism, n. The belief that the same law allowing one to do whatever he wants with his property also prevents the neighbor from doing anything he wants with his: "In a fit of zonism he drove from his 18,000 square feet mansion to the ZBA hearing to denounce his neighbor's wetlandish idea to build a doghouse."

Get the idea?

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You can't make this stuff up: Councilwoman Liz Simonson complaining that Jeff Staley, the fellow who manages the Town's municipal tower on California Quarry, the tower that Simonson tried to foil every step of the way, even to the extent of conspiring with litigants against the Town to throw a monkey wrench into the project at the last moment, yes that Liz Simonson who now leads the charge to put a cell antenna on top of the three hundred foot tower on Overlook Mountain, complaining at the January 26 town board meeting that Jeff Staley won't return her phone calls.