An Unprintable Letter?

This paper, as you should know by now, is a voice for moderation. It is our policy not to print every single letter heaved over the transom, and the office is, I can attest, littered with unprinted, and in some cases unprintable communications. We have many rows over what to and what not to print, and the following letter almost ended friendships. However, we finally decided fine, we’ll print the thing but instead of in the letters section we’d fill this space instead. Here it is, and you may decide on the matter of our taste:

Dear Editor,

I know we’re just a small town, but that doesn’t mean we can’t come up with big ideas. Well, I got one, and anybody who’s got an IRA that stinks like what I got in this morning’s mail should perk up.

With everything that has been happening lately I think it’s time to take another look at witch burning and see if it did any good. One thing for sure, the effort of our fore-bearers has certainly paid off when you see exactly just how many witches we have left around here. Okay, so we can’t get old Mrs. Daunch out of the post office, but aside from that.

And forget about the namby-pambyism keeping the murderers alive in prison, because everybody I talk to is thrilled about sending an AIG executive up, CO2 emissions and all. That blather that we live in an era “too advanced” forgets, like the writer in this paper just recently pointed out, that we burned more witches during the Age of Reason than at any other time in our history. So if it was good enough for Salem it should be good enough for us. Those were the same people that founded Harvard, after all, by the way.

Getting back for a moment to those CO2 emissions, we could recycle some of the energy into home heating. Yeah, I’m one of those suckers that signed up for ‘price protection’ last summer, so you can sign me up for this one, too.

Unfortunately, Obama speaks complete sentences, so it’s easy to pick up on his dithering over this one. Maybe one of the geniuses in congress can shove AIG burning into his energy plan to get him to move, but let’s not count on it. We need to persuade him that although double talk is fine for maintaining the mismatches in our society, gosh almighty, isn’t it time to start a ball rolling even if it isn’t necessarily along the lines of past-practice?

If you’d do another headline about bonuses it would be great! If the people of Connecticut jump down Senator Dodd’s throat, well shame on them; Dodd has done more for the cause than any other genius in Washington, a town noted only too much for its willy-nillyism. Tell your readers to get off their duffs and send a telegram to Connecticut right now saying ‘MORE BONUSES.’ This worked five hundred years ago when the Pope used to get hundreds of e-mails saying ‘MORE INDULGENCES.’ No reason not to use the tried and true.

Okay, some people say it’s just too extreme or dangerous. Baloney! Most of this stuff would go off in very nice communities, some of them even gated. In any case there are enough swimming pools around over there to handle any mishap.

Let’s stay focused on what we are trying to accomplish, namely, Smoke The Bonus Takers. It’s an easy thing for most of us to understand who have never in our entire working lives got one, unless you’re counting that ‘Secret Santa’ crap you got at the office Christmas party.

Think about it. After the first dozen or so are up in fumes, how many bonus-takers do you think will stick around? Think of the trickle down effect; I bet the waitress will fly out the door after you to give back the tip you left. Admit it, times are tough, you couldn’t use it?

Let’s agree that too much time has been wasted wondering Where The Money Went. Believe me, our sterner ancestors didn’t dither over such questions during the Plague. They took action and burned witches and the Plague ended. If this isn’t enough to get you out of that chair and into the street, well what ever will?

Look, we’re sick and tired of half-solutions. If this newspaper won’t stand up and say, “We’ve had enough,” then I guess we’ll have to wonder just where do you really stand, won’t we?

Sincerely,

“Smokin’ Mad “ Bill Krimmy