A Primary Example

The following opinion piece and one article appeared in the April 16 edition of the Townsman.

The Woodstock Democratic Committee (WDC), according to a recent opinion, has decided to take the “fun” out of selecting candidates for local election on the Democratic Party line this coming November by substituting a September primary for the traditional caucus, which generally had occurred on the hottest night of either July or August. Everybody knows what a bore primaries are; just look at that ho-hum game of tiddlywinks we were forced to endure last year between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Was anything more tiresome? If we had just sat back and let the Iowa Caucuses settle the matter, think of all the money that would have been saved and used to prop up the housing market.

According to the recent opinion, the WDC caucuses in 2005 and 2007 were “spectacles entirely worth the money.” Reading this one would think the 2005 and 2007 caucuses were similar in nature. Let’s revisit them.

What would become the memorable 2005 caucus began in 2004, when lo, it came to pass that a September primary was required to settle which among 300 or so candidates should fill the 18 chairs of the WDC. This was the first time in Woodstock’s political history such balloting was needed. The voters’ participation was so overwhelming it must have taken twenty seconds to count the 123 or so ballots cast in the important contest. You probably don’t even remember this because there were no editorials lamenting the cost of the primary to the poor Republicans and non-enrollees that could not participate.

Anyway, probably the most stellar cast of characters ever elected were seated on the WDC as a result of the September, 2004 primary, and they promptly set about doing what we expected of them, which was to raise money for the 2005 caucus to be held at the Bearsville Theater on a queasy and sultry night in August of that year.

Now talk about a spectacle! The WDC chairman at the time, let’s just call him The Pale Rider, presided with a countenance meandering from a nunnery to Robespierre, while the parliamentarian, none other than His Worship, cloistered himself in a back room with his well-thumbed edition of the Mugabe Rule Book, and occasionally with that strange whinny that portends a cold wind issued interpretations that made a game of tag among unruly boys seem by comparison well-ordered and fair.

Meanwhile the ballot box, that hitherto revered icon of American Democracy, somehow developed legs that would be the envy of Fred Astaire, and danced up and down the stairs depending on who was at the door. I dare say that had it not been for the invention of the sneaker the poor fellow whose job it was to lug the crate – for it had long lost its distinction as a ballot box – would probably no longer have feet for purposes other than sweetening his breath. Oh my goodness, what a night, and talk about getting your money’s worth, this blessed event lasted until four in the morning and the few faces you saw walk out of the barn when it was finally over you have not seen since your last all-nighter.

As an example of just how superior this caucus was to all others, it began with approximately 500 participants that on the first ballot placed Chris Collins a distant fourth out of five candidates for town board. The last balloting, which started at about 2:30 AM, and then required the services of the Animal Control Officer to chase down the dancing crate in order to tally its contents, declared Collins the winner out of the 46 ballots cast by those who didn’t have to get up and go to work the next day. Not a second passed before the Parliamentarian whinnied that the caucus was adjourned. He apparently was given the authority to whinny the caucus to an end since The Pale Rider had long retired to his nunnery with the gavel that is ordinarily wielded for such purpose.

It was a show that Richard Daley The Elder must have applauded from his special place in heaven.

Sadly, for those who prefer spectacle over democracy, The Pale Rider, His Worship and the poor scamp with the worn-out sneakers, and others of their tribe, were removed from the WDC by the 2006 September primary, which you probably don’t recall since nobody made the effort to fuss over the poor Republicans and non-enrollees that couldn’t participate in the vote.

This precipitated the 2007 caucus. Even though more than 600 Democrats participated in this caucus the dreary proceeding was over before the sun went down. The lithe and frolicking ballot box was replaced with two five-hundred pound voting machines, which took all the fun and spectacle, not to mention the fancy foot work, out of the occasion. Participants had the option of sitting through the windy speeches, or just showing up (as most did) to cast a prosaic vote. Such a bore. To say that everyone was delighted by the outcome would be a stretcher, but considering the one fellow who went on to be elected to sit on the Town Board, and I do mean SIT, stretcher might not be the worst thing (maybe a recliner would be better), and anyway, nobody complained that the process was unfair.

It was conducted sort of like… like a primary.

So now we’re stuck with something awful, aren’t we? Gosh, people eager to serve in office will have to gather signatures and submit them by the end of July, and then explain to Democrats for a WHOLE MONTH why they should be nominated for the November contest. This is more than awful; it’s serious. The next thing you know we’ll be expected to show some respect for the offices they choose to run for.

What a blow to The Pale Rider, His Worship, the poor scamp with his worn out sneakers and the Committee For Woodstock’s Future.