Lordy Lord

The following opinion piece appeared in the Townsman, March 12 edition.

Dear Townsman reader, I have let you down, I have caused you a disappointment for which forgiveness can not be expected, I have ruined my chances for a Pulitzer Prize, I have, indeed, brought shame on this whole enterprise we call ‘journalism.’

I missed a press conference scheduled by three members of the Woodstock Town Board. Or at least I think I did.

The background to this sorry malpractice:

Since you are not a member of the Political Class, in fact you are just a humble taxpayer paying for salaries and health benefits for those who are, you probably were never even aware of the signs that had sprouted in areas of the Township reading; ‘IMPEACH LIZ, JAY AND CHRIS.’

You were probably never aware of them because the landscape has become so infested with ‘IMPEACH BUSH,’ ‘KTD IS NOT A GOOD NEIGHBOR’ and ‘SAVE THE BOG TURTLE’ signs, that as bracing as our right to free speech is, its practice can be a bore, especially when executed in nothing but the same BLOCK LETTERS or sententious letters to the editor denouncing Israel.

It’s sort of like when your spouse says for the millionth time, “I wish somebody would start wiping their feet around here”; you hear it but you don’t.

But apparently somebody has noticed the IMPEACH LIZ, JAY AND CHRIS signs, namely Liz, Jay and Chris. And they scheduled a press conference about it. Or at least I think they did.

With cabin fever on the verge of killing us all, I got a call from a fellow patient informing me that Liz, Jay and Chris had scheduled a press conference to be held at the foot of Comeau Drive, with an attendant ceremony to remove an IMPEACH LIZ, JAY AND CHRIS sign from a public utility pole.

Unfortunately, The Townsman was not alerted, and so the ceremony to desecrate free speech conducted by those who abide free speech when it proclaims ‘IMPEACH BUSH,’ ‘KTD IS NOT A GOOD NEIGHBOR’ and ‘SAVE THE BOG TURTLE,’ or sententious letters to the editor denouncing Israel, commenced only in the presence of a reporter from another newspaper.

Sadly, I can only give a second hand report: Jay Wenk, who cannot rise to his feet to respect the American flag, ascended high on his ladder to scorn the First Amendment by removing the IMPEACH LIZ, JAY AND CHRIS sign from the public utility pole. Chris Collins steadied the ladder. The deed was duly video taped by Cambiz Khosravi and Jay Cohen. Ed Sanders, rising from his swirly duties, noted the historic moment. Liz Simonson, Khosravi’s wife, arrived carrying a sign, which called for her exclusive impeachment, and which had been removed “by a friend” from the sledding hill at the Comeau. She reported that another, similarly exclusive sign had been removed from the 212 roadside in Shady. All this, by the way, in the pouring rain.

Sadly, I cannot attest to this amazing spectacle of members of the Woodstock Town Board taking the time to remove the IMPEACH LIZ, JAY AND CHRIS sign, because I wasn’t there; again, The Townsman was not alerted, not even the theater reviewer.

English, which readers of this column know to be the most confusing language in the world, is not satisfied with one definition of “conference.” There is:

1) “A meeting to discuss serious matters, for example policy or business.”
There is also;
2) “The conferring of something such as a degree or honor.

Normally I would leave it to the intelligence of the reader to decide which should apply, but here I presume upon you as I baldly aver that the ceremony — if indeed it is not a cruel hoax pretending three members of the Woodstock Town Board really had the time for sign removals during this era of a collapsed economy, gaping municipal deficits, and a poor old Woodstock college professor complaining that Bard College kicked him out for his anti-Zionism — followed definition (2), because if it was (1) “a meeting to discuss serious matters, for example policy or business” then we are in for a lot of trouble.

If you accept definition (2), it begs the question; What were they conferring? Sure as heck it wasn’t “a degree or honor.”

So I e-mailed the Town Board:
“Was there a press conference concerning removing a sign calling for the impeachment of Liz, Chris and Jay? Why didn't the Townsman get a notice if so?”

From Liz:
“I did not arrange the conference and got there a bit late.”

From Jay:
“There was no press conference and it was an oversight that the Townsman was not contacted.”

Confused? Liz says she arrived late to a press conference she did not arrange, and Jay says a press conference never happened, but still acknowledges the “oversight” of not contacting the Townsman.

Hmmm.

Councilwoman Terrie Rosenblum and Supervisor Jeff Moran wrote back saying they had no knowledge of a press conference, or the signs for that matter; in my opinion a refreshing disinterest.

Councilman Chris Collins didn’t respond, and how can you blame him when he knows I’d print his statement unedited?

In an attempt to atone for my journalistic lapse I e-mailed Jay a follow up:

“Thank you for your response which indicates there was no press conference, and explaining it as an oversight that the Townsman was not contacted. Can you tell me what threat to the health, safety and welfare of the Town was posed by the signs removed by members of the town board? It is my understanding that the building inspector has been instructed to henceforth strictly enforce the signage laws; will this enforcement apply to sandwich boards?”

And Jay wrote back:

“The removal was not done ‘by members of the TB’; it was done by me, with my ladder and my tools and myself up on the ladder. Before going up, I estimated the height of the sign and which of my ladders would be the appropriate one to bring down in my van. I imagine a case could be made re: welfare, since the sign was not signed, and the Town and the individual were protected from false accusations and the possible lawsuit to the individual from the utility company. I understand it is not legal to fasten stuff to utility poles. I always believed the Building Department had that ongoing task about enforcement and I imagine it would only apply to sandwich boards if you were hungry.”

Yes, Jay’s passage is a little difficult (and greatly imaginative), but interesting among his infelicitous clauses is, “I understand it is not legal to fasten stuff to utility poles,” and I say this is interesting because on the same utility pole was a sign, requiring no ladder for its extraction, advertising a used Subaru and, which as I write, continues to molest the law.

Make of this what you will.